Wait, is it over already?!
The same way the 20th century is called "the short century", so is 2024 "the short year". All the great themes of 2024 branched from the last week of January, when, in just 5 days:
- I received a racially motivated attack
- Pelin broke up with me
- The Academy suddendly shut down
- My mom had a car accident
- The German government fined me for importing "illegal material"

Where do I even start?

Pelin Our relationship has always been a bit rocky, but all came to an end in January when she asked me a favor I just couldn't fully complete, and for which the German government fined me. I don't want to get into the details and honestly, most of you already know too well. I spent some of the darkest moments of my life between February and June. Things became even more confusing when Pelin moved back to Germany, but in July we eventually got back together. The second half of the year started to mimic the second half of our story together: calmer.
Our journey together is not easy and I'm very aware that the problems we have are serious and question if we have a future together. I don't know if we'll ever find a compromise but I'm willing to stick around, try my best, and see what happens. As much as every cell of my body has been programmed since childhood to seek comfort and stability, I need to accept what we have and work for what we want.

Academy I remember getting to the Academy that Friday and seeing my teacher smiling at me "oh hello, guess what? I was fired!". Well, fuck. Technically, the Academy didn't shut down. The studio and the brand was sold to one of the teachers. My teacher has his studio in another town which means that since February I commute twice a week to him. Despite this premise, things are actually going pretty well for me! I've improved a lot this year and started using different materials, namely charcoal, sanguine, and oil regularly. We cannot afford to have models over, so I started going to another atelier for life drawing when I don't go to my teacher's studio. All in all I visit my teacher's studio around 10 to 15 hours a week and do about 3 hours of life drawing. I draw at home maybe 3 or 6 hours a week, which is not ideal but it's really at the brink of burning out.
Speaking of burning out, do you know what's the worst way to get over a breakup? working like a maniac. For about 6 months, under my teacher supervision, I did around 60 sketches a week. I documented everything on IG posting weekly reels and stories, but no one really cared so I stopped and deleted everything. As much as this endeavour almost killed me, it was incredibly effective and I can recommend it to any kamikaze reading this.
My teacher is not German and both him and his wife don't really see a future in this country. Therefore my future as an art student is also uncertain. I'm trying to absorb as much as I can in the little time that I have. The thought that this might end soon is fairly demotivating because I know I'll never find someone like him in Europe. At the same time, I'm almost 40 years old and I cannot be a student forever. Soon enough I'll need to prepare to exit the student mentality and simply create what I can, even if I'll never even approach the level of mastery I'm aiming for.

Interlude. Content! Going over my Goodreads was quite depressing. I feel that this year I haven't read any really good book. I mean, I did read "Demons" by Dostojevskij, but it didn't really have much influence on me. What did have a great influence was discovering the doubletommy youtube channel. Guys. Oh my God. Doubletommy is life. Their vlogging and (mock?)umentaries are top notch. The chemistry between the Tommies is amazing. It does help that both Tommies are from my area so their accent and sense of humor pierce me like a spear. Watching their videos gave me an incredible rush to explore and get out of my shell. It helped me make an important breakthrough in therapy. I owe them so much it's almost embarassing to admit. In a few sentences, watching them explore Tokyo made me realize that I haven't explored much of anything around Cologne. Since I've discovered their channel I gave myself the goal of going out of the apartment more and possibly see new places. Deutsche Bahn is not helping, but I'm not giving up!
Another great discovery was the movie "The Substance". It's pretty recent and I would urge you to go watch it. I find it interesting that different people saw different things in that film. I stand with Demi Moore thinking that it has very little to do with bodies and images, despite being a very apparent theme.

Integration Ok, ready? As I've already written in previous recaps, integrating in Germany is not easy. Being an immigrant is not easy in general. Some people say it's because Germans are grumpy xenophobes and if you want to believe this, you will find examples everywhere. I found an example in January when I was talking to an Italian friend at Köln central station. A man came to us and started shouting incoherent things like "you fucking immigrants make me puke!", "go away, go away!", "I'm German, I'm Germaaaaaan" (he proceeds to show me his ID), "you fucking Arabs make me puke" (I tried to tell him we're not Arab, it didn't help). Some people stuck with us and offered their support, but when I had enough and wanted to call the cops (yes, insulting people is actually illegal in Germany, more so if racism is involved), they all tried to stop me saying that the guy is just drunk, not racist. Well. I didn't sleep too well that night. I remember back in 2012 when a Brazilian friend told me that racist remarks stay with you, they burn your skin. I didn't understand her back then but I'm starting to understand her now.
If you want to find a reason why you're all alone, you will find it in any country. The truth is that as much as Germans can be grumpy and rigid, walking around Italy I saw similar things: Italians and Africans in different groups, speaking different languages, barely interacting. Even going into a shop owned by an Egyptian, the conversation felt overly cordial and scripted. The same script I recite when going into a German shop.
I have a past as an Hikikomori and if I don't force myself to leave my bedroom, I always risk going back and become a hermit again. I see the same tendency in some people around me and it's scary how easy it is not to see what's going on and blame whatever for your lack of social life.
What I learned this year is that if you smile and show genuine interest, you will be rewarded with kindness most of the times. My social circle is still pretty small. I mostly talk to my teacher, who I regard as a friend by now, Pelin, and that's basically it. I interact with the people at the Go Club and at life drawing mostly on a need-to basis as I don't see much interest in either direction. All the people at the Go Club and at life drawing are Germans, is this a coincidence? yes, it's a coincidence. I refuse to see a big conspiracy and this whole "Germans are grumpy and unfriendly", after 3 years, is starting to become stale.
Moral of the story, if you think integrating into whatever society is hard, remember that yes, it is! it is crazy hard, and it's all due to you! You're welcome.

Interlude. Travel This year I haven't traveled much, since most of my travel actually happens on the weekend in the form of commuting. I went to Italy twice to visit friends and family and went to Berlin due to my main job. I did a couple of day trips to Essen and Duisburg. Essen is a shit hole but Duisburg has some really nice parts! Don't underestimate the Ruhr :)
I really didn't want to go to Berlin since I'm incredibly busy with something I will tell you next year (I don't want to jinx it), but it was a great surprise and it unlocked a new view. I stayed a couple of nights in Kreuzberg and was overwhelmed by how clean and pretty it was. My colleagues kept asking me how it compared to Köln and I kept saying that Kreuzberg is much more beautiful. All I could remember from Köln was the junkies everywhere, constant piss and beer mix at the stations, trash overflowing the sidewalks. Coming back, exiting the train, I expected to see all the ugly my city has to offer. I was on the contrary shocked to see that it was just as clean as Kreuzberg and the people were just as friendly. Again, it's not them, it's really you.
Spending time with my colleagues was also suprisingly nice. We talked about many topics, both silly and deep. I had a big heart to heart with one of them about my situation in Germany that was really eye opening as it allowed me to see my role in this whole sharade (see above).

Where is home? In January, my mom had a car accident which was fortunately uneventful for both her and the car, just a bit scary. Seeing her grow old far from me makes me question where do I really want to live and what will happen in the future. Pelin is also not comfortable in Germany and spends almost half of the year in Turkey as a result. My teacher and his wife cannot wait to save enough money to leave.
I cannot say I found an answer to this question. I don't think there is one. When I moved to Germany I was very naive thinking that it was a simple beaurocratic process I could revert any time. Now I feel like I have no home because I have two homes. In Italy I have people I can meet for beers, there's sun even in December, Mass is beautiful, but I hate the constant chatter and chaos, not to mention the work culture. In Germany I have a good job, an even better second job, a big apartment in a big city, but I have no one I can really talk to outside of Pelin. That week in January showed me how truly alone I am. I'm just as comfortable as I'm uncomfortable in both situations. When I'm in Italy I remember that I'm German, when I'm in Germany I'm Italian (or Arab, as I learned, although the Turks are trying hard to coopt me and I might let them).

What do I expect in 2025? Last year I wrote that "I want to keep working on my German and maybe find a social situation in which I feel comfortable". Both happened. Without realizing it my German improved dramatically, I can read and understand almost everything but speaking and writing is still lacking. I did find a social situation in which I'm comfortable, namely the life drawing atelier. It might not be incredibly social, but it's a start. I have great expectations for 2025, I have the feeling that many important things will happen. If I learned anything, trying to steer my life in one direction is an exercise in futility. I will just work hard and smile.